Category Archives: The Dont's

…then I’d have a perfect body.

But I don’t.

So I have to work out, and you guessed it – I made one of THOSE New Year’s Resolutions. Most people would probably decide to start running to get in shape. Most people. You think differently though if you’ve ever felt your lungs seize up on the warm-up lap, or if you’ve ever lost a race to the kid you were babysitting – and not because you let him win.

Anyway… I took up speed walking (yes, that thing your mom does). I have started walking everywhere. I walk to work. I walk home from work. Yeah, everywhere.

Wondering why I’m telling you this? It’s because I’M HERE TO HELP. If you’re like me, you have an extreme phobia of wearing your beat up work out shoes with a pencil skirt in public (like, HORRIFIED). You’re also short on time, so killing two birds with one stone is crucial. This posed a huge problem for me, seeing as my two birds were exercising and commuting. There just didn’t seem to be any way around it though; I absolutely could not get my Chanel flats re-heeled one more time. They were going to die. Plus, I hear it’s bad for you to do such extensive walking in shoes without the proper support.

So I found a solution, the proverbial stone, if you will: I would wear tennis shoes on my commute – BUT, they had to be sick-ass-retro-funky-possibly-neon-in-color kicks that weren’t too clunky. This type of shoe gives off a waaaay different vibe than your old Asics. Wearing Asics with street clothes tells people, “I live for comfort and I have no idea that this looks repulsive, but if I did have an inkling, I wouldn’t care because I’m protecting myself from back pain when I’m 50.” Wow, we should party.

On the flip side, if you’ve got trendy tennis, then you’re telling people, “I have high standards for both fashion and function, but I also don’t take myself too seriously…which is why I bought these crazy NikeFree’s.”

Okay, I didn’t REALLY buy these ones. I did customize them on Nike’s website though. You can’t see it too well in this photo, but on the green part of the shoe near the heel it says “Bars”. The left shoe says “Gold”. Teehee!

The Free’s I got were from Nordstrom, but I couldn’t find the exact color combo online to share a pic with you lovely people. Maybe you’ve seen me mobbing around town in them though. If you have, then you know that mine aren’t nearly as crazy as the ones I customized. I take myself slightly more seriously than that. Mine are more subdued and have a retro look. I am totally. obsessed. This definitely won’t be my last pair of Free’s – but it had better be the last time my ass gets this large!

I didn’t think it could get any worse…

but I was so, so wrong.

Sick. This is just not okay. J Brand has done it again, and Shopbop is encouraging it! Houlihan Cargo Shorts, $198… If you’re into wasting money.

Ugly. Not Cute. Horrendous. You Look Fat.

Why are these J Brand CARGOS all the rage right now? What part of ugly does the fashion set and the impressionable consumer not understand?! Personally, my thighs are big enough without a freaking cargo pocket attached to them, but if you’re going for the saddlebag look, then look no further:

Speaking of baffling fashion trends, what about cowboy boots and dresses??* I forgot how much that trend sucks until I read The Neapolitan Mastiff’s arousing (wink, wink) take on it. Check it out on Exchanging Pleasantries.

*I’m not going to be shady about this. I’ll own up: I rocked this look when I was a freshman in college, and I seem to remember thinking I looked good. AAAAGGGGHHH THE REGRET!! At least it was kind of current back then?? And not just an ensemble that thirty-somethings searching for their youth donned on weekends??? I certainly didn’t mean to dress myself like I was asking for it! I’m sorrrrrry Mommmm.

“Never say never” is sometimes BS.

I normally don’t like to write anything off (trends, colour combinations, etc.), because you never know how it may be interpreted in the future… but this I’m just never gonna understand.

Some Guidelines

When putting on your gold lame fanny pack in the morning, if you have to decide whether to put it over or under your FUPA, you should probably take your outfit in a different direction…

Do NOT attempt to mix your plaids unless you are absolutely certain that you know what you’re doing…

Oversized sunglasses and oversized sun visors make very different statements…